thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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