Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
