I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize