NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
