Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
