There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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