Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
