Pappa wants mamma naked
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
