I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
