so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
