weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
