Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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