Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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