Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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