Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
