Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
