Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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