I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
