Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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