I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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