very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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