I got chris browned last night
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
