I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
