You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
