Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize