If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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