She went from zero to smokin in five shots
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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