I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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