Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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