im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
