Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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