He asked to "fluff my boner.."
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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