I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
