I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
