He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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