I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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