i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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