So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
