I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
