the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
