Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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