We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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