Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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