alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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