the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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