drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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