are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Randomize
