If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
