We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
