im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
