so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
