Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
