I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
