Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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