Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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