...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Panties = found
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
