meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
