I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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