Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
