Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
