He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I had to cum in my sink.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
