so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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