I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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