You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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