I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
