where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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